Do you ever feel like you are not being faithful to carry out what God has handed you? Maybe perhaps you are slacking off a bit? I have been feeling that way lately. Mostly about school; but also about my one on one relationship with Christ. God had ordained my circumstances to be 7 classes deep; while my sanity is somewhat failing. there have been so many things at school which have been hard for me to deal with. But all that aside.. I have not been faithful. It's true so many things have gotten in the way and those things have made it even harder to focus. but this is no excuse. I know i can do so well; if i would only try harder.
And now the end of the semester is here and i just want to give up. but i cant! i never give up, it isnt what i am. I just have to buckle down, and DO IT.
I have not been using my time to the glory of my Lord. ("Do all things in the name of the Lord.")I have not been trying as much as i should to seek him first and know Him. And because of that my faith is failing. It is so hard being a christian.. I sometimes ask myself how much of this i really believe. And then of course i kick myself, because i know i would be nowhere without Jesus. I think satan is using these thoughts to pull me away from god.
How people act at school has really been getting to me lately though. There is so much pervertedness and foulness.. it makes me sick. Then i think.. " Am i really trying to fit in with these people? Shouldnt i be trying all the more harder to fight against the mold and fight against this crowd and the normality of the world?" the last thing i want is to seem normal. What happened to being diferent? I was thinking about a conversation i had with one of my friends last summer. We were talking about summer camp. And i thought just how easy is was to be a christian at summer camp. We were "allowed" to be on fire for the lord. where as when you left those blessed amazing cabins and got back into REAl life.. nothing was the same. I guess wanting to fit in is something that i have always struggled with. I think it is mostly because I have always wanted to be frinds with everyone, and i really hate beng hated. But then i find myself with barely any TRUE friends. Sure there are a ton of people i "hang with." But true friends? Those are pretty scarce these days. Friendship apparently doesnt mean as much to somepeople as it means to me. "A man of too many friends come to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Ultimatly, Christ is all i need. But i am so thanful that christ sent my sisters to me.
But sometimes i feel like i am living in their shadow. With so much to live up to. Lemme tell you... that is a huge shadow. How can i measure up to what they are? the easy answer is that i cant. But i suppose i have to live for the Lord and not even think about how amazing my dearest sisters are. I need to please God rather then men. Mrs Fuqua told me something last summer that has helped me so much.. " Holly, The kimberlys, Emilys, Ivys, and ellens all have done well. But I think the people that fail and fall can do such great things for the Lord. Maybe even more then the people that never failed in the first place. Because those that fail, get back up and you can see just how powerful our God is. He brings glory to himself when his children sin and then when he brings them back to himself." Not to say that its good to fail to bring glory to God; it isnt obviously. I wish i never had. But i know God has something great in store for me. And i know he can still use me even though i have failed extensivly. I just need to get out of my own way and out of his way! So that he CANN use me. Despite the shadow.. I am so thankful for my sisters and could not ask for better role models. :) i couldnt be more thankful for what christ has done in my life.
Anywho.. Im sorry that this was so long.
Just thinking
Love always
Maggie
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