Sunday madness

Today was such a good day! lots of laughter. :) (some tears of course.. but alas. whatcha gon do?)We had such a good time at church and then Belle and stevie over. Dad had gone to get them from the airport because they had been in Oregon for our dear friend Saidy's wedding. So she told us ALLLLLL about it. We all sat around and just gabbed for a long time about it. Ellen was just so cute. She is TOTALLY entertaining. We baked ivys birthday cake because the fourth is her BIRTHDAY! ( i mean.. its just a regular day! Its just a regular day! A regular day, a regular day its just a regular dayAYEHHHHHHHHH.) So we took her cake to her and so i ended up riding with them to the fuquas for the fourth of july picnic which is always so fun! I had such a fun time with ivy and with my little "fatties" (charlie and Willie) Marc even when out and got us frapps! was a lushus treat :))

The picnic was so fun! i love getting to catch up with my childhood friends that i dont get to see that often because we are all off at school or doing this that and the other! we played a ton of volleyball and it was so hott. Marx was playing and holding charlie!charlie would clap clap clap whenever we did something right! and then marc went around giving everyone charlie chest bumps! except for me.. because ladies dont give chest bumps.. That would be "henious." :) it was a very good day! i stayed up very late gabbing with mom about my adventures throughout the day. Filling her in on all of my drama (Since my life is always filled with drama!) and i am SO looking forward to tomorrow. I am going to study ALL DAY! i have finals next week! Then later we are all going over to ivys to celebrate our regular day :) I love my family. And i especially love my sweet sister ivy. I am so thankful she has been in my life all these years. Ivy has never given up on me and she has always encouraged me to do what is right and she has always been there for me. I am just so thankful that i can look to each and everyone one of my sisters for a godly example of how i should act. I am truly blessed with the greatest family in the world. :)

Just thinking
love always

HollyDEE

When a heart breaks I have been told it does not break even

It is a really dreadful feeling to feel like you dont really matter. To feel unimportant. I was thinking about kelsey today and the kind of witness and influence she had in her short life. But then i started thinking about a sermon that cabe preached a few years ago. He told us we should all want to be like john the baptist. Forgotten. His point being we shouldnt want to matter because in the grand scheme we are 'a flower quickly fading.' "A vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." We ourselves shouldnt want to be remembered.. I think mankind since the beginning of time has wanted to be remembered. After all, Achilles the great Greek warrior choose death as opposed to long life, family and love. All because the goddess told him if he died in the battle he would be remembered forever. be a myth or not..the depiction on man is true. We all want to be important, we all want to be remembered. but the truth of the matter is, we are not important. Only the work god does is important. I am just a tiny tiny tiny part of Gods huge plan. Humbling isnt it? I am not saying i am not important to God that would be dumb. Why bother saving the human race if we werent important. I am just saying we were saved to bring more glory to the father. He would still be perfect and holy even if we all were sent to burn.

There has been a lot going on in my life lately. Mostly under the surface. I forgot how calm and collected i can be. Even when i am crumbling inside. I dont often tell people my problems. All i know is that when i feel pain i feel it so deeply. It consumes me. i am like my mother in that respect. whenever something happens to me i always think it is my fault. I have been conditioned to think it is because of me.. I am toxic after all. I cant get that word out of my head. I dont want it to define me. I carry so much hurt around inside of me all the time and i never deal with it. i tend to just bury my problems and the hurt. I don't think it is really a question of forgiveness. I have always been able to forgive easily. but i am still hurt. I search my heart to purge all angry feels because i don't want to be angry or bitter or hold a grudge against anyone. But i feel like i am chained to my pain. I feel like it has me by the throat.. And i honestly don't know what i can do. One thing i know.. i cant do anything alone and i need the Lord to sustain me. I don't want to feel this way always. I want the pain to be gone someday. I am so thankful for the people in my life who know me best and help me thru these things. I am so thankful for the people who stand by me. The angel who God sent me.

Just thinking
Love always

Hollyd