It is a really dreadful feeling to feel like you dont really matter. To feel unimportant. I was thinking about kelsey today and the kind of witness and influence she had in her short life. But then i started thinking about a sermon that cabe preached a few years ago. He told us we should all want to be like john the baptist. Forgotten. His point being we shouldnt want to matter because in the grand scheme we are 'a flower quickly fading.' "A vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." We ourselves shouldnt want to be remembered.. I think mankind since the beginning of time has wanted to be remembered. After all, Achilles the great Greek warrior choose death as opposed to long life, family and love. All because the goddess told him if he died in the battle he would be remembered forever. be a myth or not..the depiction on man is true. We all want to be important, we all want to be remembered. but the truth of the matter is, we are not important. Only the work god does is important. I am just a tiny tiny tiny part of Gods huge plan. Humbling isnt it? I am not saying i am not important to God that would be dumb. Why bother saving the human race if we werent important. I am just saying we were saved to bring more glory to the father. He would still be perfect and holy even if we all were sent to burn.
There has been a lot going on in my life lately. Mostly under the surface. I forgot how calm and collected i can be. Even when i am crumbling inside. I dont often tell people my problems. All i know is that when i feel pain i feel it so deeply. It consumes me. i am like my mother in that respect. whenever something happens to me i always think it is my fault. I have been conditioned to think it is because of me.. I am toxic after all. I cant get that word out of my head. I dont want it to define me. I carry so much hurt around inside of me all the time and i never deal with it. i tend to just bury my problems and the hurt. I don't think it is really a question of forgiveness. I have always been able to forgive easily. but i am still hurt. I search my heart to purge all angry feels because i don't want to be angry or bitter or hold a grudge against anyone. But i feel like i am chained to my pain. I feel like it has me by the throat.. And i honestly don't know what i can do. One thing i know.. i cant do anything alone and i need the Lord to sustain me. I don't want to feel this way always. I want the pain to be gone someday. I am so thankful for the people in my life who know me best and help me thru these things. I am so thankful for the people who stand by me. The angel who God sent me.
Just thinking
Love always
Hollyd
Holly, methinks you are a rare, honest gem. When you were a tiny girl, you wore a mask to hide your feelings but your actions always spoke loud and clear :) Pain seems to be a fly in the ointment for some of us human beans. It can be a consuming companion for years. Horrors! But don't let it beat you. You have been given unbelievable gifts: the Lord to guide, strengthen, and mold you, and the ability to choose to face life with joy. Do you realize how important it is that you share yourself so honestly? My parents taught me from childhood never to air my dirty laundry. It took eons to learn how to open myself to anyone and then how not to be embarrassed or ashamed of my open book. It seems that you know this lesson already. I have a sneaky suspicion that your strengths lie in the actions you will employ in your near future. Be of good cheer, Holly. The Lord is near.
ReplyDelete