You know those nights when you cant sleep for anything. Even if you have been awake and exhausted all day. You cant stop contemplating life. Tonight i am thinking about the things that are important to me. Some things that have been important to me in the past are just passing out of view. Sometimes it's scary because those things are the only things which are familiar. But in another way it feels good. New and different.
I cant stop thinking about school. Every time i close my eyes i see the hallways and classrooms. It is finals week and very soon i will be done. I need a break. There are things that i need to decide and think thru. I need to be with my sisters and my family. I am so tired of negative influences in my life. And people who pretend to be friends and then end up being.. boozers. For lack of a better word. My parents are going away next week on a cruise and i am actually really looking forward to the alone time. Not that i want them to leave i just need a little.. Idk solace i reckon. I have been going full on strong i guess i am just SO over tired. And this sickness is really taking a toll of my body and my mind. making me overly agitated. And we might as well mourn the death of my range.. I can barely sing in two octaves together. Sad Sad day. I think a rest will do me well. I need some quality time with the Lord as well. I was thinking today about having people in my life who will hold me and who i can keep accountable. But then it struck me that i should have that kind of relationship with Christ. I mean i know i dont need to keep god accountable. Because he is God. But i should be so personal in my relationship that i should fear his upsetness on my level. It that makes sense. I mean, it is kind of like when you do something wrong and you are worried about what the person you love will do when they find out what you did. I should have that kind of fear of disappointing christ or grieving the holy spirit. I should be that wound up with him. How does one get there is the question i suppose. "Life has a melody. A rhythm of notes that become your existence once played in harmony with God's plan."
There will never be peace in my life if i don't have that kind of friendship with the Lord. Truly he is my friend. My best friend. One that has never failed me or forsaken me.
love always
Holly Dee
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