ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. And it will happen again

You know those nights when you cant sleep for anything. Even if you have been awake and exhausted all day. You cant stop contemplating life. Tonight i am thinking about the things that are important to me. Some things that have been important to me in the past are just passing out of view. Sometimes it's scary because those things are the only things which are familiar. But in another way it feels good. New and different.
I cant stop thinking about school. Every time i close my eyes i see the hallways and classrooms. It is finals week and very soon i will be done. I need a break. There are things that i need to decide and think thru. I need to be with my sisters and my family. I am so tired of negative influences in my life. And people who pretend to be friends and then end up being.. boozers. For lack of a better word. My parents are going away next week on a cruise and i am actually really looking forward to the alone time. Not that i want them to leave i just need a little.. Idk solace i reckon. I have been going full on strong i guess i am just SO over tired. And this sickness is really taking a toll of my body and my mind. making me overly agitated. And we might as well mourn the death of my range.. I can barely sing in two octaves together. Sad Sad day. I think a rest will do me well. I need some quality time with the Lord as well. I was thinking today about having people in my life who will hold me and who i can keep accountable. But then it struck me that i should have that kind of relationship with Christ. I mean i know i dont need to keep god accountable. Because he is God. But i should be so personal in my relationship that i should fear his upsetness on my level. It that makes sense. I mean, it is kind of like when you do something wrong and you are worried about what the person you love will do when they find out what you did. I should have that kind of fear of disappointing christ or grieving the holy spirit. I should be that wound up with him. How does one get there is the question i suppose. "Life has a melody. A rhythm of notes that become your existence once played in harmony with God's plan."
There will never be peace in my life if i don't have that kind of friendship with the Lord. Truly he is my friend. My best friend. One that has never failed me or forsaken me.

love always
Holly Dee

Christmas Time is here!

I love this time of year. There are so many happy filled days of cooking, sitting around the fire and just having a wonderful time with family and friends. I got up today at 8:20 when we are supposed to leave at 8:45. I gotten ready in 10 minutes. I rushed into the kitchen and made a cup of coffee. This particular Sunday i was extremely tired because i could not get the wheels of my mind to stop turning last night.. so i was pretty treepy. Mornings are wonderful because my dad is home. Neways, we left for church. I downed my coffee on the way there. IT WAS LUSH AS USUAL! Church was SO WONDERFUL. I walked in extremely happy for some reason and then i was met by the beautiful wreathes and Christmas decorations. Red and green colors everywhere. :) i always forget just how beautiful our church looks this time of year :) not that is looks drab the rest of the year.. well... maybe a little.. It could use some plants. About the only time we have plants is when someone dies.. and that's always a little depressing because then you say, "Oh those were at the funeral yesterday.." ANYWAY. That isn't the point. The church looked really wonderful. :))The sermon was really good. It is always so good to worship and fellowship with the rest of the body. But on this particular Sunday i was resting in the Lord more than i have lately. (not that it helped since i had to get up every five seconds to blow my nose.) I have finals coming up this week!! And since i have been sick since the end of September i am pretty nervous about them. I am taking an Incomplete in my lessons because there is no way i can sing up there. :( so depressing. I need to get better soon. My Dr is sending me to a lung specialist because he says my lungs are getting weak. He said no one should be coughing this bad as long as i have. I am falling apart. Anyway. Pray for me this week all.

Love always
Holly dee

Thanksgiving day traditions

:) there are So many things that i love about this holiday. My heart is so glad today! Wednesday i went over to ivys and helped cook all day :) pies and pies and rolls and rolls! Loved getting toplay with my precious charlie. :) he loves his auntie Dee!! there are some serious traditions in the foster household. Coconut cream pie, watergate salad, pretzel salad, Potatoe Casserole...Chocolate mousse pie.. dang.. so much more food. But :) one of my favorite parts of the day is the epic nap after i eat!! Emily and i always wake up, realize we cant go on without coffee and then make and emergancy run to starbucks. :) my dearest emy shares my addiction. We always have such amazing adventures on the way to starbucks. :)) I LOVE HER. And then of course :))) the AGGIE/tu game. :) i love my aggie football. Too back we lost this year and it will be the last year we play them for at least 7 seasons... Stupid going to a different conferance.. So much tradition down the drain!!! Totes bummed. But eithery way! i love A&M so much. Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday. I am so glad to spend holidays with my wonderful family. SO many amazing memories. Cant wait for christmas coming up :) Very thankful for what the lord has blessed me with.

Love always

Dee

"I'm done...No really tho i'm not done." (My ODE)

My Ode to my dearest of all friends: The one person (or inanimate object.. depends if you talk to it or not.. i do... not gonna to lie) in my life that has never failed me. COFFEE (Note: must be read in dramatic voice..)

Well i woke up extremely bitter this morning. At 7:30.. when i was supposed to leave. However, i made my first class... at 8 (impressed yet?) which i was loath to go to.. however i was informed by my lovely parents i am not to skip ANY classes. Brutal. So i booked it to class, sat thru it all the while totally dead to the world. Then comes cup of coffee number 1. ( I say one... "because there are several." input Mr Collins voice.) I stopped at the cafe which was so providentially on my route to theory. It's like God really was telling me to drink coffee before i just fell down and died. (which would have been depressing.. to some. After all my high school teacher used to tell me "Coffee is proof that God exists and wants us to be happy." okay maybe i dont quite agree with the doctrine behind that but it sounded amazing at the time.) One Venti white mocha, which lemme tell you, might just be better than SB. OH MY... (fire reigns down.. i hope they did not hear that.)

As I walked to theory I clutched my amazing, deliSHUS, NO, DIVINE White mocha. The dearest Asian angel that made if for me warned me against its "EXTREME HOT CONTENTS" but i did not really care. . FOR A MOMENT THERE i was home free! it was proving to be a very lovely day... (not so fast holly) i saw my theory teacher... She apparently was having a bitter morning too (maybe i should have brought her coffee? actually in her defense she was not feeling so swell..) In any case! (and at this juncture... in which of course i was minding my OWN business.)

Wait... Side note. OKAY no one in my class understands the concept of the wrath of Kathy Morgan. I mean, she is all knowing (not meant to be blasphemous) in the realms of music! Her bad side is the LAST (and i mean LAST) place you want to be. In any case, she was not so very happy with our theory class this morning. We weren't doing things quite fast enough for her taste. I really should have been more vocal. Since i knew all the answers of course. (BAH! jk)

Really, truly, i cowered in bitter fear..Not quite willing to face the once bright world, and calm clean, coffee filled existence which had now turned dark and dare i say "henious" (!)(Yes, i know its misspelled. But you have to pronounce ever syllable. DUH)

I actually did pretty well in theory. Got most of my analysis right :) YAY. However, I was not to smile... Because when Kathy isn't happy, I'M REALLY NOT HAPPY. (And if you had any sense you wouldn't be happy either! or speaking unnecessarily) I then suffered thru piano. Dreaded my test in a week. Which i am in NO WAY prepared for. (Let's not talk about tho.) I had my break at 11. I tried to focus on my theory HW. BUT to no avail!

My phone started to buzz (which is somewhat unusual in it of itself. No one ever texts me any more. #bitter) (WAIT!? IS IT FATE?) It was my dear friend Garrick. "Soooooo, holly... You want to come and get me and lana? We are stranded.." (Wait for it) "..At starbucks." (CAN THIS BE TRUE?!) "...I Will buy you coffee...?" (GAHHHH YES! FAVOR IS MINE! PRAISE BE!) I rushed to my car and tried not to speed while driving (that didnt go so well) I arrived and was soon greeted by an OH So AMAZING Grande Iced Caramel macchiato. mmmmmhm. It was my drink of choice all summer. :) The woman in the drive thru was so nice that she brightened my spirits immediately. She, (the second angel of my day) sensing my scatterbrainedness, "would you like a few extra pumps of espresso?" Oh yes. Please and THANK YOU! :) i was on my way! Smiles and friends a bit more evident now.

Only... it was 11:20... and what happens at 12? Aural skills. BA DA BUM! Garrick and i went to see dear Kathy Morgan in office hours to see if she needed help grading her fundamental classes or if she wanted us to go get her soup in the cafe but she forgot her hw and she did not have an appetite. We tried to cheer her up a little.. but she thinks she is getting the flu. (I hope not the swine flu. BEEN THERE done that action! NO thank you!) Aural skills actually went better then i thought it was going to. We did 2 part counterpoint today! And Kathy was a little better ( i like to think it was because i brightened her day with my sweetness and my love for all things theory homework :)

We had sectionals for expressions.. That.. went.. No comment. By the end, i was bitter once again! Thankfully my 3rd angel of the day was Kyle! (Asians make good angels apparently) Feeling my negative and innerbitter, "Holly do you want to go to Starbucks after choir?" (wait.. did i hear you right?! STARBUCKS?! What an "excellent notion!" -input Robert Ferris' voice from sense and sensibility.) YES. Off we were :) "One iced grande 5 pump chai with 2 pumps of vanilla." (and you know.. a few shots of espresso. :) It was great to hang out with Kyle. Marlon joined us. You know, just old buds :) Keepin' it real. (Or whatever you youngins say these days. ) I left around 3:15. Brightly on my way. :) I honestly can't remember what i did in between then and dinner... (lack of coffee clarity? yes? Anyone?)

Dinner was interesting. :) HAH my mother is an amazing cook BUT she happened to put too much red pepper in our chili.. Um it was HOT. We had no cheese or sour cream. That turned us all bitter. A very, very BITTER REDish COLOR! But let us move on. :)

We went over to my sister Kimberly's house. I had not seen my two nieces or my nephew in weeks! #badaunt. We pulled up and they ran out, totally ignoring mamaw and papaw. :) GAVE ME BIIIIIIIG HUGS. Talk about gratifying :) Somewhere around here all bitterness was gone. We played, looked for ant hills for lukeys ant farm, toured the new house, played with gracie, ate lush homemade granola bars and i played beauty shop with the babo :) "Oh aunt dee your hair is so big and pretty." i shoulda have taken a picture. It was HUGE! #Curlfrizz AND THEN Micheal says, "WELL, i think it is time we celebrate with a frapp!" (What... A FRAPP? This makes coffee cup number four. :) Let me tell you! My brother in law makes the most amazing frapps in these parts!! That's fer dern sure! It was SO tasty. Complete with chocolate sauce and all :) thanks Micheal. :)))) I bathed the kids, put them into their precious beds and said prayers. Luke- "Dear lord. Please help me to trust you and to obey my parents. and please help the people in Haiti and Alabama to have faith....aaamen" -Babo- "Dear Jesus, please help me to know you and to obey you and help the missionaries in mexico to... to.. too.. know you. amen" PRECIOUS.

"But Jesus called for them, saying, "Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." I love them so much. I tucked them sweetly in to their little beds, got lots of kisses and cuddles and closed the door.

I'm very thankful for the stresses i have in my life that are teaching me to become more disciplined and not resort to bitterness.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice." I am working more and more to put to death these deeds in my flesh. I do not want to be bitter. And as dumb as you may think it is i am so thankful for my coffee. God is the master of all comforts :) and he made coffee. <3 Just another day in the life..

love always
Holly Dee

First day of classes!

WOAHHH WHAT A LONG CRAZY DAY! I just wanted to give you all an update of my first day. :)

This morning i got up at 6:40 and left the house at 7:20. I had been hoping and praying all weekend that a math class would open up. They were ALL full! I had been emailing back and forth to Professor Barbara Wilson because i wanted to get into her class. So i was going to go this morning just to check in. I didnt want her to think i was a dingbat and didnt take classes seriously! As soon as i got there she was like "just a few minutes ago someone dropped!" I was sooooo thankful! I RAN DOWN TO ADMISSIONS. But on the way i "figgured" the line would be so long! so i cheated and just went to the math office and got the receptions to enroll me lickity split! :) so i made it back to class at 8:01. All the while on the way saying "thankyou Lord, thankyou Lord!"( to a little tune i came up with on the stop.) YAY FOR BEING SMART AND GOING TO CLASS EARLY! but anyway! My teacher is so nice and think i will do very well (hopfully) in her class :)

At 9 i have theory III. OH MY! I am so beyond excited! it will be so crazy hard! We didnt do too much other than go over the syllabus. We did discuss the renaissance period and the baroque period, just to get and intro. We will do more on that Wednesday. :) We got out ten minutes early. :)

At 10 I normally have Paino III except for today because my TEACHER DR ALLISON WAS SICK! lame.. so me and "Pheobes" and Megan "practiced" we didnt really tho.. we ended up going out into B hall so we could study our theory :) and we did that through our break during the 11 ocklock hour!

Then at 12 :) AURAL SKILLS III. OH WOAH SAUCE. We sight sang and practiced our chromatic scale and slowly died inside realizing just how much there is too learn. It is going to be so hard. POWER OF PRAYER. lemme tell you :) there will be a lot a prayers.. I actually have a benchmark Friday. NO SWEAT RIGHT!?

At 1:00 I have Expressions, which is my Jazz choir! And it went pretty well I thought i actually think it going to be pretty low key this semester i am hoping for no terrible drama. Lol Which has been a constant in the past 3 semesters...

At 2:30 to 5:30... (Woah) we Have sextets. WE HAVE NO OTHER NAME! I think i will spare you the other names that were going around.....BUT we are a sextet and for those of you who dont know that is 6 PEOPLE. More commonly known as 1 on a part! It is going to be SO legit. :) We had a ton of fun in there! it is a great dynamic :) i think we will do great things!

Today was pretty exhausting! After class i rushed home to eat and then went to the nursing home Bible study. It was very good! Great time singing :) I am so thankful for today and for the way God orchestrates things. I am looking forward to Wednesday. :)

Just thinking

Love ALWAYS

Holly dee

We are the WORD to the WORLD

School is starting tomorrow and so i wanted to take this time to write out the notes i took during the sermon this morning. Ben is such a powerful teacher and speaker of the word of God. This sermon really moved me and the power of the Lord and the word of our almighty God is empowering me and giving me boldness. I am writing this down because it is how i need to live and it is what i need to do in my everyday life at school. When i am surrounded my darkness and around people who are held by the power if the evil one. My God is mighty to save every single one of them.

BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY, CONQUERING THE WORLD.

1.) Gods word is powerful to change us

2.) We are not bound by what we were or who we have been

3.) We are the word to the world

4.) Gods plan is that we be fruitful and multiply so we can expand the word to the world.

Acts 6:7 "The word of God kept on spreading; and the number of the disciples continued to increase greatly in Jerusalem, and a great many of the priests were becoming obedient to the faith."

19:20 "According to the mighty hand of the Lord the word was growing mightily and prevailing."

We don't always share Christ because we doubt His power and ability. We also want to be accepted and we think if we share Christ or admit we are a Christian it will inconvenience us, making our lives difficult. Often we don't know what to say and we get caught up in our own inadequacy's. We might be embarrassed of think we may not know how to talk or share. But our God IS MIGHTY TO SAVE. God will work through me.

Isaiah 40: 6-8 "The grass withers, the flower fades, the breath of the LORD blows upon it; Surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever." In Isaiah Gods power is pictured as a conquering hero. Even if we do not know what to say. We can ask people to just read the Bible with us. Because the bible is "living and active and sharper than any two edged sword." We are going to fade away, our lives are vapors, but Gods word is GOING TO STAND FOREVER. His word is unchanging and unfailing. His word is powerful.

Ben told his testimony, he wasn't raised as a Christian. He was very hostel to the word of the Lord. He initially started to study the bible so he could be able to refute the ideas to all the Christians he knew. He wanted to be able to rip all of their beliefs to shreds. He started to go to church every Sunday so he could learn everything he could. he said the first Sunday he went he felt something was different but he didn't yet understand what it was. He started to go to the Wednesday night Bible study's and every time after the study he would debate the teacher for about an hour. For 6 months Ben studied the Bible intensely and fought against God. Then God saved him.

Isaiah 55:8-11 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth and making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it."

Gods word is powerful. And just by reading it you can grow or you can be saved. It is error less and perfect. We are not bound by who we used to be before we were saved. God has the power to change us! And he will change us if we poor ourselves into Him.

Acts 4:29-31 "And now, Lord, take note of their threats, and grant that Your bond-servants may speak Your word with all confidence, while You extend Your hand to heal, and signs and wonders take place through the name of Your holy servant Jesus. And when they had prayed, the place where they had gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak the word of God with boldness."

It is our duty to pray but also to act. We have a responsibility. We must pray for boldness and confidence so we can be fruitful and multiply expanding the word of Christ to the world. I AM CHRISTS WORD TO THE WORLD. I cant live my day to day in a comfortable state. I have to be witnessing and telling people about what Christ has done for me. It doesn't matter if i don't feel like i know what to say. If i pray for wisdom i will receive it and the holy spirit will work through me. I cant do anything of myself. I have to ask people to read the bible with me. Because i don't have all the answers. But the word of the God is power! My God is mighty and powerful and full of grace and honer. He deserves all glory.

I want to grow this semester. I want to be a witness at school. I want to be on fire for Christ. I never want to give him up.. I never want to be stuck in a place where I doubt his power. He can use me. He can work through someone as depraved and filthy as me. His word can change me, renew me, build me up, purify me, and sanctify me.

"HOLY HOLY HOLY. LORD GOD ALMIGHTY. Who was and is and is to come." There is no one like you O God.

just thinking.

Love always

Holly Dee

Sunday madness

Today was such a good day! lots of laughter. :) (some tears of course.. but alas. whatcha gon do?)We had such a good time at church and then Belle and stevie over. Dad had gone to get them from the airport because they had been in Oregon for our dear friend Saidy's wedding. So she told us ALLLLLL about it. We all sat around and just gabbed for a long time about it. Ellen was just so cute. She is TOTALLY entertaining. We baked ivys birthday cake because the fourth is her BIRTHDAY! ( i mean.. its just a regular day! Its just a regular day! A regular day, a regular day its just a regular dayAYEHHHHHHHHH.) So we took her cake to her and so i ended up riding with them to the fuquas for the fourth of july picnic which is always so fun! I had such a fun time with ivy and with my little "fatties" (charlie and Willie) Marc even when out and got us frapps! was a lushus treat :))

The picnic was so fun! i love getting to catch up with my childhood friends that i dont get to see that often because we are all off at school or doing this that and the other! we played a ton of volleyball and it was so hott. Marx was playing and holding charlie!charlie would clap clap clap whenever we did something right! and then marc went around giving everyone charlie chest bumps! except for me.. because ladies dont give chest bumps.. That would be "henious." :) it was a very good day! i stayed up very late gabbing with mom about my adventures throughout the day. Filling her in on all of my drama (Since my life is always filled with drama!) and i am SO looking forward to tomorrow. I am going to study ALL DAY! i have finals next week! Then later we are all going over to ivys to celebrate our regular day :) I love my family. And i especially love my sweet sister ivy. I am so thankful she has been in my life all these years. Ivy has never given up on me and she has always encouraged me to do what is right and she has always been there for me. I am just so thankful that i can look to each and everyone one of my sisters for a godly example of how i should act. I am truly blessed with the greatest family in the world. :)

Just thinking
love always

HollyDEE

When a heart breaks I have been told it does not break even

It is a really dreadful feeling to feel like you dont really matter. To feel unimportant. I was thinking about kelsey today and the kind of witness and influence she had in her short life. But then i started thinking about a sermon that cabe preached a few years ago. He told us we should all want to be like john the baptist. Forgotten. His point being we shouldnt want to matter because in the grand scheme we are 'a flower quickly fading.' "A vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." We ourselves shouldnt want to be remembered.. I think mankind since the beginning of time has wanted to be remembered. After all, Achilles the great Greek warrior choose death as opposed to long life, family and love. All because the goddess told him if he died in the battle he would be remembered forever. be a myth or not..the depiction on man is true. We all want to be important, we all want to be remembered. but the truth of the matter is, we are not important. Only the work god does is important. I am just a tiny tiny tiny part of Gods huge plan. Humbling isnt it? I am not saying i am not important to God that would be dumb. Why bother saving the human race if we werent important. I am just saying we were saved to bring more glory to the father. He would still be perfect and holy even if we all were sent to burn.

There has been a lot going on in my life lately. Mostly under the surface. I forgot how calm and collected i can be. Even when i am crumbling inside. I dont often tell people my problems. All i know is that when i feel pain i feel it so deeply. It consumes me. i am like my mother in that respect. whenever something happens to me i always think it is my fault. I have been conditioned to think it is because of me.. I am toxic after all. I cant get that word out of my head. I dont want it to define me. I carry so much hurt around inside of me all the time and i never deal with it. i tend to just bury my problems and the hurt. I don't think it is really a question of forgiveness. I have always been able to forgive easily. but i am still hurt. I search my heart to purge all angry feels because i don't want to be angry or bitter or hold a grudge against anyone. But i feel like i am chained to my pain. I feel like it has me by the throat.. And i honestly don't know what i can do. One thing i know.. i cant do anything alone and i need the Lord to sustain me. I don't want to feel this way always. I want the pain to be gone someday. I am so thankful for the people in my life who know me best and help me thru these things. I am so thankful for the people who stand by me. The angel who God sent me.

Just thinking
Love always

Hollyd